"I want it to end. The suffering, the pain, the weariness, just everything.
I want to stop feeling like a knife has been dug into my chest, and is being twisted with every insult, being pushed in deeper with every insecurity and doubt.
I want to stop crying. Just, for one day, to not have to sit with tears pouring down my cheeks, with my arms wrapped round myself, slowly rocking.
I want to stop panicking. To stop feeling like the oxygen has left the room, leaving me gasping for breath and lifeless. Like I'm drowning on dry land, my throat closes over, and my thoughts go at a million miles an hour. Worries and obsessions fire through my brain like bullets, sometimes for hours, sinking deeper and deeper into the water.
I want to be able to sleep. To be able to actually wake up in the morning and think 'I'm going to shine today. I'm going to laugh and smile without faking, and not have to pretend that I'm fine. Today is my day.'
To be able to get through a whole day without nearly fainting from exhaustion, or feeling so dizzy that I have to leave class to gather myself. I want to take away the heaviness from my eyes, and see clearly for once.
I wish I could be given a break from my problems, to be given a note that excuses me from my mind, just for a day.
It's not much to ask for, God. Maybe you could listen to me, I know that people wishing to win the lottery, and wishing for an amazing Christmas present, are just as important as me, but I just wish you would give me this one thing. After all these years, I'm at least owed that?"
I get up from my knees. And start to get ready for school. Like every day, I wish that God has listened to me, and that I'm going to find a miracle in school, just a small one, just for me.
I'm still waiting……………………………………………