Breaking The Rules

Breaking the Rules has never been so easy.

Therapist: 'Hey Sarah'
Me: 'Hey.'
'Hows it goin?'
'Ok'
'What does ok mean?'
'Just….I'm fine.'
'Right, well before we begin I need to weigh you.'
'Sure ok.'
(Steps on scales.)

             (Yes!)

Therapist: '42. That's a kg less than last week.
Me: 'Oh.'
'How do you feel about losing more weight?'

           (Ecstatic.)

'Ashamed. I really tried to eat.'
'Well, working up to even 1000 calories is hard.'
'Yeah, it is.'
'How many calories a day roughly did you eat this time?'

            (600, tops)

'Around 800 maybe?'
'Good, that's an improvement.'
'Yeah, I'm proud of myself.'
'I'm glad, we need to work on that. How often did you feel fat do you think?'

           (Every single minute of every single day)

'Only once or twice, when I was eating.'
'Ok, great. And how about everything else'

            (I'm cold all the time. I burnt my hands on the fire trying to warm them up. I'm
           Tired all day, no matter how much I sleep, though I'm only sleeping about 5 to      
           6 hours each night. I cry every day, sometimes for hours. And the cutting is
           Getting worse, if anything.)

'Pretty good, I'm warmer more often, and I have a lot more energy. I've started sleeping at least 7 hours every night. I only cried once or twice during the week. And I still have to cut, but I only have to do one set of four every night.'
'Well I think you're improving a lot, I'm surprised at how quickly you've started to feel better…..'
               (Shit)

'…But that must mean the anorexia isn't too deep. We don't have to worry about hospitalisation just yet.'
'Yay, I was really worried about that.'
'Yeah, if you're improving this quickly then I'm sure you'll start to put on a bit of weight. But don't worry, we'll go at a pace that you're comfortable with.

             (Ok, what do you do now? You're going to get even fatter)

'Sure, sounds good.'
'Right well we'll leave it there for today. Keep up the good work.'

            (Thank God)

'Ok thanks, see you next week.'